


a step, a step away from crying

by milkcan



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Fantasizing, Tarot, Trans Character, mentions of cheating, trans romania....[chefs kiss]
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 00:45:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16713292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkcan/pseuds/milkcan
Summary: /Do I do it now or?/He opens his own bottle and drinks./Now?/"So Lukas. Can we talk about the other night, then?"He stops sipping his water, heart leaping into this throat./Ah. At least I don't have to initiate this./(Lukas and Dimitrie talk after feelings come out. They learn more about each other than intended.)





	a step, a step away from crying

**Author's Note:**

> kind of a continuation of shes my best friend, but can be read as a stand alone fic. set in the same verse. theres brief mentions of getting high in this fic but nothing terrible
> 
> norway: lukas thomassen (he/they) studying to be a trauma surgeon. head over heels for dimitrie  
> romania: dimitrie popescu (she/her) vocal performance major. this is not nyo!romania, shes trans  
> belarus: natalya arlovskaya (she/her) criminal justice major. her and lukas are TIGHT  
> england: arthur kirkland (he/him) journalism major. He Knows  
> denmark: mikkel densen (he/him) optometry major. he and lukas dated in high school and the breakup was Ass. on better terms now  
> iceland: egill steilsson/thomassen (they/them) lukas' half-sibling, high school student  
> belgium: anri (she/her) very briefly mentioned.
> 
> title taken from way it goes by hippo campus. bump that shit while you read

>    **DEEM**
> 
> hey good morning!  
>  can i come give you tarot readings?  
>  i need the practice

Lukas' heart leaps into his throat when he checks his phone. It's been two days since they all got high, two days since he kissed Dimitrie, and zero days since they spoke about what happened. 

Against his better judgement, he's already typing out 

> **TO DEEM**
> 
> Sure. Come over

and hitting send. He tosses his phone onto the couch and sighs.  _Of course, can't say no to a pretty lady, huh._ Lukas picks up the stray books (two - a medical encyclopedia and a copy of  _The Stand_ ) from his coffee table and sets them on the floor. He pushes the small table away from the couch so they can both sit on either side.

 _Can't say no to her in particular._ His phone buzzes,

> **DEEM**
> 
> perfect! ill bring my deck and snacks

He smiles to himself.  _Heh, guess she's just bringing herself._ His phone buzzes again and Lukas shakes his head, as if to shake the thought, walking to his bedroom. He pulls out his bag of crystals, and also his own deck. Maybe he could give her a reading for the hell of it. A _relationship_ reading. 

 _Huh. What kind of idiot am I._ He walks back into the living room and his phone buzzes again.

> **DEEM**
> 
> anything you particularly want?

_On her hands and knees in front of him on the bed, flushed, abused ass in the air. Her face is pushed into the pillow, strawberry blonde spilling on either side of her head, hands wringing the sheets to her sides. She's moaning and squirming, attempting to express just how_ badly  _she wants him to_ _use his m-_

 _Wow._  Lukas tosses the bag with the deck in it onto the table, face warm. He sighs deeply.  _Not now._ He sobers up quickly, immediately rushing to pat his deck in apology, muttering a quick  _sorry_.

 _How do I go about telling her what I want._ His phone buzzes again.  _How did weed give me the drive to kiss her the other day._

> **TO DEEM**
> 
> Anything is fine

His phone buzzes in his hand almost immediately.

> **DEEM**
> 
> ok! be over in 5

Lukas sits down on the couch with a sigh.  _Maybe I need guidance._

> **TO NAT**
> 
> Hey can you chat for a few?

His phone buzzes in his hand again. 

> **NAT**
> 
> yes what's up  
>  call if you need

He smiles, a bit relieved, and he pulls up her contact page, hitting call.

"So, what happened the other night? Arthur told me some of it."

 _Arthur! That fucker._ Lukas hums.

"I kissed Dimitrie."

Natalya's laugh breaks through loudly. He pulls the phone from his ear slightly.

"I heard you had your tongue down her throat. Go off, though."

Lukas leans his head into his free hand and sighs through his nose. "I did."

"I know. It's not the first time."

He squeezes his eyes shut. "I know you know."

A beat. "Did Arthur tell y'that too?"

"I've been friends with you and Dimitrie for long, yeah?"

Lukas presses his lips in a line and nods to himself. "Yeah. Y'have."

His phone buzzes against his ear.

> **DEEM**
> 
> im omw over!  
>  be ready ;-)

_Fuck._

"She's actually on her way over. I need advice."

Natalya shifts on the other end. "Have you spoken about what happened since that night?"

He sighs. "No."

"Well. I sure hope you'll speak now."

"She needs tarot practice"

Lukas hears her breathe a laugh. "Do a love reading. Or sex reading. Whichever is end goal for you."

He breathes a laugh of his own. "I was thinkin' of that."

"Of sex, yes?"

Lukas doesn't say anything and Natalya laughs again. "Right. So do it. Why y'calling me?"

He switches the phone to his right hand. "Moral support? Arthur would try t'make fun of me an' that isn't what I want."

"I  _don't_ make fun of you?" He hears the laugh in her voice.

"No, y'just condescend." He's smiling and there's a knock at the door. He stands from the couch.

"Well. She's here."

"Please talk before you fuck." Lukas sighs.

"Right," he remembers, "also, you'll have t'tell me about that girl."

Natalya is silent for a second. "I will. When you tell me about yours. In detail. Goodbye."  _Click._

Another knock at the door.  _She's so strange._ He unlocks the door and pulls it open.

Dimitrie stands in front of him, in all her sunshiny glory and a big smile on her face. Her hair is pulled back and her messenger bag, presumably filled with divination materials, hangs from her shoulder. 

"Hey! How are you, can I come in?" 

Lukas waves, nods, and moves to let her in all in the same beat.

_Gods, I am painfully awkward._

She slips past him, still smiling, and leans down to unite her sneakers. He can't help but notice the way the black skirt hugs her waist, and as she straightens back up to slip them off,

_Does she still wear those lacy red underwear, the pair with the matching bra? The one I pulled off so many times as I ground my hips into hers, her chest flushed and pupils blown-_

The skirt swishes with her as she walks over to the coffee table. Dimitrie looks back at him and he snaps out of it, following her over and meeting those wide, amber eyes.

"This is where we're reading?"

_Gods, I'm in deep._

He nods and she smiles, shooting him a thumbs up. She takes a seat at the far end of the table and Lukas sits opposite her. She opens her messenger bag, pulling out her deck in its rightful bag, setting it in front of her. Dimitrie pulls out her notebook next, setting it to her left, then reaching further, retriving her clear quartz, amethyst, and carnelian. She sets the stones to her right, all the while unaware of Lukas watching her hands at work.

"So I was thinking, if it's alright, that we switch back and forth with readings, yeah?" Her eyes shift to his own deck. "I mean, y'have yours already out."

"Yeah. That's fine." Dimitrie smiles at him.

"Great. How about past, present, future for my warm up?" She's sliding the deck over to Lukas, and he meets her halfway to grab it. He starts to shuffle.

_What was the other night about? Does it mean anything? Did she reciprocate like I think, does she want to date?_

_"It isn't my intention to cockblock," Well that's what you did Arthur. Smartass. Smart mouth. Nice mouth? Dimitrie's lips that curl so nicely into a smile, curling so nicely around my-_

_No. Mikkel's lips around my-_

**_No._** _Mikkel buried_ deep  _into Anri, who didn't know he was in a steady relationship. Mikkel accusing me of cheating instead?_

Lukas cuts the deck of cards and slides it back to Dimitrie. She nods, quiet and her lips in a thin line. She pulls three cards

Nine of Wands  
Eight of Cups  
The Lovers.

He can feel his face heating up and she hums, opening her notebook.

"Nine of Wands. The person on this card has certainly been through it, yeah?"

The person in question is covered in bandages and looks very serious.

"Currently, there is a chance that you are remembering past 'attacks'-" she holds up air quotes, "-that were very tough to handle."

She jots down something quickly in her notebook. "A time where you were paranoid, but persevered with characteristic stamina, and made it through. Not just for yourself, but with the best interest of others."

_Ah._

The breakup between him and Mikkel was  _nothing_ but attacks. He needed to get out of it, not just for his own sake, but even more so for Egill and the friends that were left that  _cared_. The only reason Lukas could be thinking about it now is because he's thinking about Dimitrie and kissed her again for the first time in  _years._

_Fuck._

He nods.

"Ok. Eight of Cups now. Presently, you are moving on, maybe from this past situation that you are thinking about? You have grown weary with whatever is bothering you, and you need to find a different path." Dimitrie writes something quickly in her notebook again.

He nods. They both seem to be looking at The Lovers.

"So. Future, The Lovers." She looks at him steadily. "I'm guessing this is obviously about a relationship, no?"

Lukas nods again, and Dimitrie takes a deep breath, sitting up straight." "Well, one hand, it means being sexual and  _perhaps_ a new relationship, but you also need to make a decision," she jots something down in her book again. "You need to make a different decision to find a new path, so you can get this relationship, yes?"

 _This deck is_ good.

"I think I understand."

She relaxes her shoulders. "Alright, good. Okay." Dimitrie jots a few final things in her book, then takes the pulled cards and shuffles them back into the deck, her movements a little stiff.

Lukas reaches to grab his own deck, and she pushes her's to the side. He pulls it out of the bag, while Dimitrie reaches up to stretch, a bit of her stomach showing. His mind drifts to

_her shirt being pulled over her head, his hands feeling, searching over her hips. His mouth on her neck, high, throaty moans elicited with every graze of teeth. His hands find her thighs, gently nudging them apart so he can slot himself between them. She's looking up at him with those bright, beautiful eyes, the first grind of his hips into hers has her bucking to meet him in time. The grip on her thighs tightens as he sp-_

"Alright. What kind of reading can ya give  _me_ now?"

He breathes a sigh, and hums. "How 'bout a three-card relationship spread."

Dimitrie's eyes widen slightly. "Huh. Okay! So, me, you, our relationship?"

Lukas breathes a laugh. "If that's what y'want, then yes."

She realizes what she's said and sputters. "I mean- if that's okay, then yeah." 

_This was already my plan. Thank you, Natalya._

"It's fine, D'mitrie." He slides her over his deck. She meets him halfway, takes the deck, and begins shuffling.

Lukas can't help but notice the way she's focused. Her eyes are shut as she shuffles, her eyelashes fluttering ever so slightly, her lips parted. Little wisps of strawberry blonde fall out of her ponytail and into her face

_Wait. She's wearing lipgloss, isn't she?_

Something in him stirs  _violently_ , and his nails dig into his thighs.

Please talk before you fuck.  _Thank you, Natalya._

_I could ask to talk about it now?_

Dimitrie cuts the cards and looks up at him, flashing him a small smile.

"You okay?" His breath catches. He nods anyway, and she smiles uneasily, passing him the deck. Lukas pulls three cards.

_No, that wouldn't be right._

High Priestess  
Page of Pentacles  
The Lovers

_Well._

"Huh. Interesting, ain't it!"

Part of him knows Dimitrie already has this fully interpreted for herself. She looks at him steadily and he hums in response.

"You. Currently, you are allowin' things to unfold as they may. Y'know they will eventually unfold an' yer just following y'intuition."

A beat. "Uh-huh." Lukas looks at her and she smiles. 

He gulps and continues on. "Me. Page o' Pentacles," he snorts a small laugh. "This is tellin' me t'get my shit together and take action. Have faith that it will work out, an' others are behind me. This is somethin' I have t'rememb'r."

Dimitrie nods.

_She probably knew this without a reading._

"And The Lovers. Again." He sighs and her cheeks are red when he looks at her.

"Ah. I think y'know." 

She smiles a bit. "I think so too, yeah."

The two of them stare at the cards for a second, avoiding the other's eye. Lukas shifts back a bit suddenly.

"Would y'like a water?"

She nods and reaches for her bag, producing a bag of pretzels.

"Snacks!"

He can't help but laugh as he stands and walks to the kitchen.

 _Should I bring this up_ now?

He holds two bottles and nudges the fridge door closed.

_The cards are absolutely right. She's been waiting on me, so maybe I should just go for it._

He goes back into the living room and Dimitrie looks up from her phone at him. She gives him a tiny smile and he sits back across from her, as she sets her phone down. Lukas slides her over the water and the tiny smile turns into an appreciative grin. She cracks it open and drinks.

_Do I do it now or?_

He opens his own bottle and drinks.

_Now?_

"So Lukas. Can we talk about the other night, then?"

He stops sipping his water, heart leaping into this throat.

_Ah. At least I don't have to initiate this._

"Sure." He puts his hands in his lap.

Dimitrie hums and closes her water. She looks at Lukas, catching his eye and laughing, uneasy.

"I'm not sure where I should start."

He's looking at her steadily, hoping that he's looking encouraging. She's looking everywhere but  _him_ , though, nervous smile playing on her face. She plays with the cap on the water bottle.

 _What do I say? Does she even_ want  _me to say anything yet, she's the one who asked to talk about it. But she's obviously nervous_

She forces out a laugh and Lukas is pulled from his thoughts. "You staring isn't helping!"

He immediately looks off, face heating up. "'m sorry."

"'s okay." Dimitrie squeezes the bottle. It crinkles under the force.

"Did any of what you said  _mean_ anything?" Lukas looks at her hands, which are shaking around the neck of the bottle. He desperately wants to take them into his own hands.

"I was high, n't drunk, of course I did."

She's looking at him steadily. "I rememb'r everythin' I said."

Dimitrie's cheeks are red and she seems to be thinking. Her lips are pressed in a thin line.

_She's so pretty..._

"I only ask, Lukas, because when we would  _fuck_ in high school, that's all it was."

The biting tone in her voice hits him right in the gut.

"You seemed  _disinterested._ That's why I stopped comin' to you. An' now we are  _here_ and I'm afraid of it happening  _again_."

 _Oh no._ Lukas swallows hard. "I was  _never_ -"

"An' I'm ready to do it again, if I have to! I'm waiting for you t'be disinterested  _again_ an' it's okay this time. 'm ready for it."

There's a lump in his throat, and Dimitrie looks like she's going to cry. He might actually cry if she starts to cry.

 _This is the_ exact  _opposite of how I thought this was gonna go._

"Didn't know y'felt like that."

"Did y'even bother t'ask?"

The lump shifts uncomfortably and Lukas exhales through his nose. "D'mitrie, I'm so sorry."

She's been looking at him, face unreadable and absentmindedly scratching at her arm. Not  _once_ has Dimitrie raised her voice, which is what makes him feel so  _awful_ about this. 

She just sounds  _dejected,_  completely accepting of being rejected by him, and it makes Lukas' stomach turn nervously.

"This isn't high school 'nymore, and I meant what I said th'other night."

Dimitrie takes a sip of her water. "Did anything in high school  _not_ mean anything then?"

He exhales sharply through his nose. "Well actually. I was in love w'th you in high school." She opens her mouth to say something but Lukas cuts her off.

"An' I'm in love w'th y'now. So."

Dimitrie blinks. He wonders if he's said the wrong thing, then her eyes widen in realization.

"Why didn't you  _do_ anythin' about it? Are y'that dense?"

Lukas shrinks into his seat, face heating. "Actually, don't answer that. We both know th'answer-"  _Ouch._ "-but we could've dated! An' not be so heartbroken!"

_Hm. How do I go about this._

"Oh, hold on." She sits her water on the table.

"Was it Mikkel?"

_Ah. She remembers._

He nods. "Partially."

She nods in understanding. "Okay. I think I get it. Y'did bring it up few times that it was a nasty breakup."

 _It really was. Yelling, yelling, yelling,_ how could you leave me for them you  _whore. And_ you could talk y'cheater, we both  _found_ you fucking her how can y'blame me for this? We've never _done_ anything.  _And crying to Natalya for days after about how his words kept repeating. Really nasty. You don't know the half._

"Yeah. I guess I w's afraid it would end the same with us, y'know?" Dimitrie's listening intently, and Lukas takes a deep breath.

"Y'sucked me off not even two weeks later." She inhales sharply, a sheepish smile slowly spreading. He breathes out a laugh.

"We were movin'  _fast,_ and I didn't want it t'end as badly as  _that_."

She nods, strawberry blonde moving with her. Her hands are in her lap. half of her lipgloss is around the mouth of her water bottle, and Lukas thinks she's  _amazing_.

"'n' we never really said if we were official 'r not. And y'started transitioning around the same time, yeah?" 

Dimitrie thinks for a second before nodding. "Mm. What does that have to do with anythin'?"

He presses his lips together in a thin line, slightly embarrassed.

"This is silly, but you were busy with th'changes an' everythin' associated with it, and I know how stressful it was f'r ya. Egill told me about their d'sphoria an' I didn't want t'ask you on a date because maybe y'wanted to kiss t'forget everythin'? Especially with how often y'came to me for that, an' I didn't want t'take that away from ya."

Dimitrie's making a face and opens her mouth to say something, but Lukas continues.

"It's not like I minded 'nyway, if it helped ya, that's all I wanted."

She closes her mouth and breathes a sigh through her nose. 

 _Wow, I spoke a lot._ He grabs his water and sips.

"Well. I kept goin' back t'you because you made me feel like a woman. You're receptive an' it helped  _some_ with dysphoria, but don't think you  _cured_ me."

He opens his mouth.  _That isn't what I meant at all-_

"Aren't you  _not cis_? I didn't know that was why you never asked."

Lukas' face heats up in embarrassment. "Recent discovery."

Dimitrie nods, a tiny  _ah_ escaping. 

_Dammit._

She takes a sip of her water as well, and he watches her sit it back down, sigh, and set her fingers on the table. Dimitrie is staring at the table, Lukas is starting at her. Her fingers start drumming, absentmindedly, and she takes a deep breath.

"So I am wondering if I should tell you this now, as you're the first person I'll tell."

He is listening to her with full attention, ready for whatever she has to say.

"And I am thinking maybe I should tell  _you_ first and I am the most comfortable telling  _you_ first because you are  _not cis."_

Lukas nods. "Say what y'need."

Dimitrie makes a face, the drumming coming to a halt. "But I don't want to take away from what we were already talking about."

"We can go back."

 _All this lead up for_ nothing _?_

She looks up at him and worries her lip between her teeth, hands folding in her lap. She takes a deep breath.

"So I have been thinking about using the name Doina for awhile now because it's really  _pretty_ and also decently  _Romanian_ and kind of flows like my birth name."

He nods again. "Would y'like to be called that?"

She lets out a breath she seems to have been holding. Lukas' heart aches. "Yeah, I really would."

He leans back and smiles a little bit. "It r'lly suits ya, Doina."

Doina grins from ear-to-ear and starts laughing, eternally sunshiny and bright, shoulders sagging in relief. His smile turns into a small grin, and she sighs, smile settling on her face.

"I dunno why that was so hard!"

Lukas shakes his head, waving his hand dismissively, smile small, but still there. "I get it."

She nods, then bows her head a bit. "Thank you, really for being so supportive, yeah?" 

He also nods, but she's speaking again. "Not even just today, even as friend and even back in high school, when you were emotionally stunted. I get it, I appreciate it a lot."

He looks off to the side, embarrassed. "Of course, Doina."

She's smiling, face red when he looks back. She hums.

"Y'know, it sounds really nice comin' out your mouth."

_Oh? Flirting?_

"Does it? Feels kinda nice too."

A sly grin spreads across her face, bright eyes narrowing and suddenly dark. "Would sound even better _moaned_ , yeah?"

_So fast!_

Lukas rests his forehead against his palm and sighs, and Doina is laughing again, all sunshine and warmth. He shakes his head, a smile settling on his face as he looks back up.

"Okay. Before we go back to this again. Can I take y'out for coffee?"

She's absolutely  _beaming_ at him, and Lukas feels like he might melt. 

 _He leans across the table, hand resting against her cheek and_ carefully  _presses his lips to hers, feeling the sticky remains of her lipgloss. She smiles against his mouth and a tongue pokes out to swipe at the corner of his. He slides his hand to her neck and parts his lips, her tongue slipping in easily. She puts her hand ontop of his, and as she works his mouth, leads his hand_ _down_ down  **down** _to cup her br-_

"Yes! Of course, although I hope it is fine I get tea?"

He looks at her, dazed and face warm. Doina tilts her head, a smile playing on her face, and Lukas starts laughing.

_Soon enough._

**Author's Note:**

> good guy lukas stays horny on main. 
> 
> * i am also Not Cis, but please let me know if any of what i have mentioned is incorrect. 
> 
> find me on tumblr: fjoelkynngi


End file.
